Friday, July 23, 2010

It's really hard being in love with such an emotional trainwreck, because it then makes yourself an emotional trainwreck and you start thinking that YOU'RE the problem when it's really them. They blame you for this, that and the other thing, when it's them just not taking responsibility for themselves or their mistakes.

Why do I love such an emotionally abusive bastard. Who calls me a whore and a twit? Why do I love this guy. And why was I able to spend a day ignoring him .... now here I am IMing him.

he treats me so fucking bad that i would rather be physically beaten than have my heart repeatedly broken the way he does mine.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

Why do I need inspiration?

Because I have been suffering from verbal and emotional abuse for the last year.
....from a certain man who allegedly loves me. For some stupid reason I love him too. Love??LOVE?


"If I ask you to drop something, that means stop talking about it. Period, did you see the period, no conjunctive, no ellipses, no semi-colon, no colon, no parens, etc.
I care not your reason for discussing it, and you do wrong to assume my reasons for asking it to be dropped. I asked for a thing to be dropped because I know it'll upset me, you know this, it's been explained quite seriously possibly 100 times. Explaining to me what you meant, why you're still talking about it, worst of all trying to tell me that I shouldn't be asking you to drop it, well. There you go. I won't bicker over the specifics, you're dumb enough that you actually sent me an email about it because in your twitty little brain you thought the right way to handle this, was to continue doing the thing I'd asked you to stop doing, right, that'll make them happier. This is what makes you a stupid whore because it's just the way a ho acts when she needs to be put in line by her pimp. So, I won't hit, but clearly that is exactly what you want the way you goad me. But I don't need to physically strike you to hurt you, but that's what your daddy did to show you love, so until you get it you goad. Well, go explain that to your dad. You're not gay, you need a man to beat you and modern men just aren't up to it. Maybe he'll help w/ a backhand.

Yes I know this is exceedingly cruel. You're welcome, you could have avoided this, on multiple places. One, stopping when I asked, two, leaving well enough alone after we hung up, three not answering your phone, four not sending an email. Therefore you are both stupid, and desiring the verbal abuse, just like a ho.
once again, you're welcome"

That's from a man who "loves me."

When will I finally open my eyes. I'm 30 years old. (almost)
I'm sure I will let you guys here more about this guy sometime.. for now... this blog is for positivity only. And that email I just received (as posted above) is the reason I need this muse.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Well which one is it?

And just as I begin to find musings... I fracture my ankle. I have more than likely fractured and then re-fractured my ankle since I was 13 years old. I allegedly had a sprained ankle back then, and since I have kept falling. I always mess up my ankles and I figured 'Hey, I guess I am just blessed with weak ankles....'
Maybe I have been re-fracturing my ankle for years and years, and never knowing it because of my lack in health insurance. Maybe I started with a hairline fracture and boom boom, tumble-go-Ashley... and here I am today in an air cast.

I hope this finally heals properly, because I truly want to start dancing again. Or at least puttering and putzing around, shimmy-ing-ish type of dancing. I need to begin somewhere again ...right? I still have the dance in me. I have the moves in my heart. I can feel it, and when I see performers... I FEEL IT in my bones. I need this in my life again ...
I've been wondering what's missing. ...and it's dance and music.

...Now... to get the balls to sing my heart out, and not hear "Ashley, you're ruining the song, knock it off."

or of course when he was drunk .... "Ashley, sing that baby girl, yeah!"

Well, which is it?

Tuesday, July 20, 2010

Heart Break...

through and through... I need to find an outlet that helps me find out who I am. Before I suffer so much heartbreak that I actually become completely frozen.

I owe my new found inspiration to a girl named Christina Perri.
and also a new friend, Kristina Weese.