storm warning

i spent the last 48 hours or so with my 'caretaker' so to speak. we will call her cleo. miss cleo. she is honestly taking care of me in more ways than one. i truly believe that we are sisters - whether my dad just couldnt keep his salami in the sandwich or we were placed together based on the planets and the stars alignment - this girl is something else. we have the same crazy interests in herbs, crystals, spirits, 6th senses, animals, food, people, seeing things, believing in things, .......the list truly goes on, but its not worthy of the blogger. 

i feel almost a changed girl. i have left my phone on my bed all day long, when im usually attached to it all day long. ive barely sent out one text message all day. and it was just to her. and i have left my computer sitting in one place all day as well. with music on. and even with my fractured ankle, i have been rearranging and cleaning out some old things that no longer belong on my desk or even anywhere in my surroundings. 

how can a little more than a day with someone make you do a complete flip or a 180? i have a more positive light, or energy within myself. is it a mental illness? am i having a manic moment? more than likely... which means more  than likely i will be in bed all day tomorrow crying over ratshitassholefuckface who called me a cunty twitty whore the other day and wanting him back. 

why?

because thats what i know best. its easier to go back to the things that are comfortable and familiar. 

well what i need to learn are new and more familiar things that do not include said rat bastard above. 

i should attempt some rest and possibly go love on my kitty niko. shes the best thing thats ever happened to me. i wanted to get a puppy... 'cleo' had convinced me that i needed to take some serious responsibility in my life, so i wanted to get a black lab, but still living with the 'rents, that would be nearly impossible. plus, we just lost our lovely Lacey (doberman) about 3 weeks ago. its too soon. and i still do get emotional over her often. 

why was it that i wanted to succumb (i cant spell and i guess blogger doesnt give me red marks) to rat-bastard-douche-bags verbal abuse just yesterday, and now i feel like a more positive person? 

maybe its just the weather

It's really hard being in love with such an emotional trainwreck, because it then makes yourself an emotional trainwreck and you start thinking that YOU'RE the problem when it's really them. They blame you for this, that and the other thing, when it's them just not taking responsibility for themselves or their mistakes.

Why do I love such an emotionally abusive bastard. Who calls me a whore and a twit? Why do I love this guy. And why was I able to spend a day ignoring him .... now here I am IMing him.

he treats me so fucking bad that i would rather be physically beaten than have my heart repeatedly broken the way he does mine.

Why do I need inspiration?

Because I have been suffering from verbal and emotional abuse for the last year.
....from a certain man who allegedly loves me. For some stupid reason I love him too. Love??LOVE?

LOVE????


"If I ask you to drop something, that means stop talking about it. Period, did you see the period, no conjunctive, no ellipses, no semi-colon, no colon, no parens, etc.

I care not your reason for discussing it, and you do wrong to assume my reasons for asking it to be dropped. I asked for a thing to be dropped because I know it'll upset me, you know this, it's been explained quite seriously possibly 100 times. Explaining to me what you meant, why you're still talking about it, worst of all trying to tell me that I shouldn't be asking you to drop it, well. There you go. I won't bicker over the specifics, you're dumb enough that you actually sent me an email about it because in your twitty little brain you thought the right way to handle this, was to continue doing the thing I'd asked you to stop doing, right, that'll make them happier. This is what makes you a stupid whore because it's just the way a ho acts when she needs to be put in line by her pimp. So, I won't hit, but clearly that is exactly what you want the way you goad me. But I don't need to physically strike you to hurt you, but that's what your daddy did to show you love, so until you get it you goad. Well, go explain that to your dad. You're not gay, you need a man to beat you and modern men just aren't up to it. Maybe he'll help w/ a backhand.

Yes I know this is exceedingly cruel. You're welcome, you could have avoided this, on multiple places. One, stopping when I asked, two, leaving well enough alone after we hung up, three not answering your phone, four not sending an email. Therefore you are both stupid, and desiring the verbal abuse, just like a ho.

once again, you're welcome"



That's from a man who "loves me."

When will I finally open my eyes. I'm 30 years old. (almost)
I'm sure I will let you guys here more about this guy sometime.. for now... this blog is for positivity only. And that email I just received (as posted above) is the reason I need this muse.